If you crash, get back on the saddle

Cycling has become a vital metaphor in the way I heal: Not all bike rides will be pleasant; the more I ride, the higher the chance of crashing. It is up to me whether to play it safe and not try anymore, or to “get back on the saddle” and go at it again.

External forces can cause a crash, our own mistakes and choices can contribute. The results can be devastating and even life threatening. I opted to stay in a toxic relationship riddled with gaslighting, manipulation and narcissism for many years. I crashed, it could have killed me but instead I got back on the bike.

With time I realized I was headed towards recovery, growth and most importantly: back to my power. Cycling is also soothing and meditative, perfect tool to quiet down a busy mind. Over time my lungs and my legs started reacting to the training and I started surprising myself with my physical strength.

It was then when I took inspiration and started believing that if my body could do it, my mind and soul could do it too. I needed success after pain; road cycling has provided a sacred place for me to feel and touch my toughness and determination.

When needed, I tap into that reserve and remember the grueling 5 am workouts I subject myself to, how I get through the intervals by repeating like a mantra: “I can do anything for 40 seconds, stay on that wheel”.

I train with great cyclists, they carry scars from their own crashes as well, serving as a reminder that the only way to strengthen is to stress. I get to train with them, draft off them, sit on their wheels. In my everyday life I do the same.

My outfit of choice is incredibly meaningful. First and only “team” kit I ever got, the people that embody 239 Racing Team is why it matters so much to me. They have nurtured me with humor and kindness building a relationship where trust keeps getting bigger while sharing the love for cycling.

My “Why” is transforming pain into victory. Cycling is my conduit.

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